Sue who?

We all know that Americans sue other Americans for anything and everything. And so there are warnings and disclaimers on everything.

The disclaimer for medical ads is actually longer than the advert itself, and they speed up the voice so it sounds like The Chipmunks (Alvin, Simon... Theodore!). And medical ads are dodgy. For example:

{hot chick talking to camera}
"Having syphyllis isn't a death warrant, you CAN get treatment from your local clinic. Ask you physician now for {product name}."

And then the disclaimer:
{read as fast as you can in Alvin's voice}
"Only 7 percent effective, results not guaranteed, product has never been tested on humans, side-effects include headaches, bleeding gums, diarrhea, paranoia, heart-attacks and pre-mature death. Product should not be used by babies or children, women who are pregnant, who may become pregnant or who are busy birthing as we speak. In fact, this product is not fit for human consumption. No cash refunds, only exchanges for other drugs that are as dangerous, or even more dangerous as this product."

And then the disclaimer on the disclaimer:
"Any pre-mature deaths described above have not been conclusively linked to the use of {product name}, as stated by the Sao Paolo Institute of Madikill Doktors."

Anyways, check the warning on this box in our office:


Disclaimer:
The above text is loosely based on the truth, in fact, it is just huge exaggeration thereof. This is a parody, and not to be taken seriously.

Channel 4 News

Like I said, Denver isn't that interesting, so thefts at the Parkway are gonna make news. And like I said, the news crew arrived today.

Unfortunately, I wasn't interviewed, like I was promised. I think they decided I wasn't credible enough as a victim - dodgy Asian from South Africa - I look more like the thief.

Coffee

Coffee is the American people's life blood. On the way to work, you have your briefcase in one hand, Starbucks in the other. I can see my big brother Daz, smiling as he counts his millions of pounds in London - yip, he works for Starbucks! "Tall, grande or venti?" For you non-Starbucks speaking Safricans, that means "Groot, fokken groot, and jirrie shit maar dit's a moerse koppie koffie!"

In the office, you get filter coffee (non of that weak Ricoffy crap!). And they drink it strong! And it's gooooood... you have to sweeten it with artificial sweetener, like chicks do back home with Canderel. And when there is sugar, it comes in a can, so you have to pour the sugar out, no teaspoon measurements. And there's never real milk (cream). You get these mini steri-stumpy flavoured milk substitutes. Or creamer, also in a can. And then you have to stir it with these thin, gay plastic straws that melt when you put them into hot coffee, so they stir jack-shit!

New ride

Traded in my big assed Chevy Montecarlo a while back for something a little less boat-like, for something more sportier, designed for someone under 60. Chevy Cobalt. Asked for a Mustang, but they didn't have any on the lot. Gonna trade this one in this weekend hopefuly, holding thumbs for a Mustang or something a lil more pimpidy-pimp!

United Center, Chicago

So here my pics from the United Center, home of the Chicago Bulls, and all time great Michael "Air" Jordan. Man, I was emotional. This was the one landmark I HAD to see, that and Oprah's studios...

It's in the bad part of town, and was warned about muggings and stuff. So the whole experience was rushed. Caught a cab from downtown Chicago, and 30 minutes and $15 later I was there - "United Centre, please" somehow got mis-translated within the Pakistani cabby's head, and he took me on the not so scenic tour of Chicago's Dodgeville. Made the cabby wait with the engine running in case some shit went down!



Apologies for the crappiness of the pics, took them with a disposable camera after my digital was nicked, and then used my new camera to photos of the photos.

Also ate "world famous" deep dish Chicago-styled pizza at Giordano's. It's a bucket of crust filled with 20 pounds of cheese. Aooouuurgh! Wezzo, not even you could tuckshop this!

Eish!

When we moved into the projects, the office had issues about getting us housekeeping, since NO ONE has housekeeping here, since slavery here is illegal, and minimum wage is actually quite expensive. "But the guys in Houston and Dallas have housekeeping!!!" So they obliged...

Housekeeping is more fucking useless than our last maid in SA, the one that was always sleepy and couldn't tell the difference when pairing black and white socks. They come once a week, and sll they do is make our bed, and vaccuum. They don't do dishes, they don't do laundry, they don't iron! I left my shoes out the other day, they frikken vaccuumed AROUND my shoes - we have a thick carpet and you can see the vaccuum cleaner's path!

And then they "hid" our dirty pans and pots in the oven! Two days later we're like, WTF's that smell, whoo hoo, MUSHROOMS! I complained, and now they pack our dirty dishes in the sink. And that's all they do!

So we have to do our own laundry and ironing... Thank God we have a dishwasher!

Back in the game

My new toy arrived today.

Canon SD400.

I bought it online here, and paid just under $300 for it. Crap, I see the price is now $288! I bought some extras like mem cards, extra battery (for those extra long DESHTROYER night’s outs) and full service international warranty, which added on another $100!

This is a real pimp camera, with all the bells and whistles. Some of the basics:
- 5 megapix.
- 3x optical, 4x digital zoom
- 2 inch LCD
- 130 grams, 86.0 x 53.0 x 20.7mm
- 256MB SD memory
- 1 standard and 1 makhulu strength Li-ion battery
- movie mode with audio and zoom
- X-ray vision and special invisible upskirt flash. Kiddiiiiiing! Fuck! Have a sense of humour!



Let the games begin...

Ballgame #2

I had such an awesome time at Saturday night's game, I decided to go again on Sunday arvi to watch the absolute last Rockies' game of the season at Coors Field. And to watch Barry Bonds tell the booing fans to shut the fuck up by shhmacking some homers into right field. And that's where I sat this time, in the right field stands, where the Bonds balls are likely to land, catching hands prep'd and ready. Ticket cost: only $5!

Right field stands, fucking dumb idea. The sun was unbearable, not even my African-toned skin could handle it, and so I went walkies a lot in covered areas. And then to my dismay, two long balls landed in my section, one to the left, one to the right. Just my luck...

Check the vid of singing "Take me down to the ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.

I came across this stand selling Rawlings limited edition bats (only fifteen to be made, right then and there). And they were on sale. Baseball equipment was never on my shopping list, but: ONE - a sale I cannot resist. And TWO - the chance to have my name and number engraved on the bat, even better. You guys know, when it comes to personal branding, I'll pay big money! My number plates back home have my name and number, my sports jerseys have my name and number, my boots have my name and number, the hot chick on the corner has my name and number... hell, I'd ink my name and number on my ass if I had the chance. $48 later, I was the owner of a brand new bat. Customised! "LAW 88"



And then I signed up for a supporters credit card. In the States, you can get a credit so easily, you basically just need a name and surname and you're good to go. I signed up for the New York Yankees card. And I got a free t-shirt. XXL though. Judge, I'll keep it for you, you fat mofo. Or maybe for you Wezzo...



Update: They boo Bonds cos he's in the centre of a steroid using scandaaal! Oh yes, blame it on the Oreo's that fat kid gave you as you stepped off the bus.

This is Dari Dawg, for 9News

At the end of the second week here, we got 'jacked in our own house, when some mofo with master keys came in and helped himself to our milk and Coke, laundry card and my digital camera. Jane Doe has taken it upon herself to put a stop to this by making posters and alerting everybody.

"Dear Dari,

Thank You so much for writing. We are currently trying to put a list of
victims, stolen items, dates, and contact information together so that we
can report it to 9 news. Please state in a reply if you would be willing or
not willing to talk to press if asked.

{... blah blah...}

Thanks so much for responding. Hopefully, we can make a change!"

9News is the local news station here. Now Denver is not the most exciting cities, so something like this is gonna make news. So I was like, hell yeah! Bring on the news crew! Actually I just wanna meet their blonde belter roaming reporter, Janet Jameson (or is it Jenny?). Anyways, they called me to see if I was prepared to chat, so maybe by this weekend I'll be a 9News TV star!

Blind people, read here

The US is quite handicap friendly, and their treatment of blind people is no different. Every sign is translated into braille.

This was outside a lift: "NO SMOKING" (underneath in braille, "NO SMOKING".

Now I'm sure every blind person would take the time to "read" the sign... if only they could fucking find it on a 50 square foot piece of wall! Flippen hell, it's an amazement they found the lifts in the first place, now they gotta read a sign they don't even know is there?

Take me down to the ballgame

It's the closing series for the season for Denver's Colorado Rockies. So off I trundled to the game on Saturday night - I bought scalped tickets for $20 (normal price $38), along the first-base line behind the dugout. The Rockies were playing the San Francisco Giants.

If you watch ESPN, you would know that baseball games are quite boring, but there is tons of fun 'n games to keep the crowd entertained - everybody sings and claps with the organ that plays in between innings, they have tons of competitions for fans, like catching fly balls in the outfield, sprint around the bases etc. And then there's the whole fight for balls that land in the crowd thing which is real fun. We had a broken bat play, where the bat landed 10 rows in front of me. It knocked some chick the fugout! It's just like sixes in cricket back home - it's always gonna hit a bored chick! Such excitement!

I was there to see Barry Bonds, the Giants' homerun pimp, and so opposing fans hate him - you should hear the booing from the crowd! He needed to hit a couple homers to break some record, but couldn't even get on base.

After the 7th inning(s), they make everyone stand up for the "7th inning stretch", where they make you stretch your legs, and then sing "Take me down to the ballgame". Quite fun, if only I knew the words...

The Rockies chowed the Giants six duck, so the home fans were happy and, to my disppointment, no burning of chairs and throwing of anything.





I just had to. Baseball means hotdogs, and peanuts. And $10 (!!!) later, I was getting the full ballgame experience. The place is littered with peanuts shells, and so are you - everybody has shells and stuff on their shirts, it's quite funny.


This is the mascot Dinger the Dinosaur. He 'jacked this chick selling candyfloss (cotton candy), and started throwing the packets into the crowd, that was even funnier! Camera battery was flat so no pics unfortunately.



Update: it now reads Giants, Anon. Happy?

Tee time: 07h30

After the biggie at Shotgun Willies, we were on the road at 6.30am (4 hours sleep!) to the West-something Golf Course just outside Denver. It has three separate nine hole courses.

This was the first proper round I've had since arriving, and since acquiring the some new toys:
- Ping G4 driver (cue abuse!)
- Nike shoes ($30!!!)
- Nike sunglassess with inter-changeable lenses
- Physics stand bag (Retail price $89.95, bought for $17.95, shipping $20). Funny story, bought it on Ebay "by accident", entered the minimum bid of $17.95 just for fun, and an hour later I was the owner of a new bag!! Can't believe the shipping costs more than the bag!

Courses here are beautiful since they're in the mountains. It's a little tough to play cos converting yards to metres is difficult, and the ball travels 10-15 metres further here cos of the altitude, which fucks things up too. But fun! Played nine holes in the morn, and then another 9 in the arvi at City Park Golf Course in downtown Denver.

News from one fucked up weekend

It's back. With an American twang.

Friday, September 23
We knocked off from work at 3pm for our department happy hour, on the office account. Yip, name was thrown, the hot blonde PA was bent over and belted while "the boss" looked on in disbelief and the bar was raped ten times over. Six hours and $600 later, we made a quick duck before all hell broke loose (half the bar was abusing the tab!).

So off to the car, but where to? Shotgun! Calling "Shotgun" means something totally different. Yip, all roads lead to Es Dubyas, Shotgun Willies, the local girly bar.

And it's just like the movies, multiple stages surrounded by neon lights, seats all around. One dollar bills. And lots of them. The more you wip out, the more you get to see. And the chicks are SO belterish, much better than the "Stormvoel, Midrand or Rivonia Spurs" put altogether.

And $20 an "LD". And you get to touch (to some extent). I thought a lot of cash was dropped last time, but Friday's bill was massive! A certain other guy had eight, yes, EIGHT "LDs"!!!!!!! $160 dollars for that alone, before the drinks bill and the rest of our entertainment! Pimp Dog, in Dallas, did you sample the entertainment? Heard Dallas is famous for this stuff!

Pity no pics - this dude took a sneaky snap from behind the bushes, got rushed by the bouncers and had the back doors opened with his head. Dumped in two separate dumpsters, just like the movies...

I think Layla, Storm and Lolita are the new Mrs Dawgs. Call me, okay?

Been robbed lately?

So life at our apartment isn't the greatest... it's little more dodgy than one of those seedy motels in Hillbrow. The place was quite decked out, stylin' pool, gym, small movie cinema and stuff, but like my bro said, it also looks like the projects. It's actually across the road from the projects.

My suspicion of our apartment being robbed and my camera stolen (sob!) were confirmed. A chick in building 2 was robbed while asleep, with her laptop and car keys being stolen - and then her car... reminds me of SA.

Then someone posted these posters all over. Then management tore them down. And then the person stuck more up. The management... you get the picture. Read the poster here.

South African.. .

...and proud of it!

Been hearing all about Proudly South African week on 5fm, and man does it make grumpy about being here. Especially since it's Proudly American Day here every day!

Everyone's doing this, so here my reasons for being Proudly South African (in no particular order):

- The weather.
- The people (Tha Boyz).
- Madiba.
- The Boks (and Proteas and Bafana).
- Kwaito (amajita... pantsula for life).
- Clifton and Camps Bay.
- 5fm anf Highveld (the radio stations here are CRAP! Thank God for streaming audio).
- Adrian Newey (chief designer - Ferarri F1).
- Tiger Tiger.
- Braais.
- DSTV (cable: like the Springsteen song 257 channels and NOTHING on!).
- the opportunity to drive fast (speed limits here are between 40-100kph).
- PBHS, baby! ('Tis thurr I learnt to live).
- Oscar Pistorius.
- Dave Matthews and Charlize (if it wasn't for them, yanks would still think South Africa is the continent just under Mexico).
- Impi, wo 'nans' impi iyeza!
- And the reasons that bigric and Ewan said.
- And finally, that's where I'm planning to make my millions!

Okay, well the list is getting long. Point in case? I love South Africa, and I'm proudly South African!

Ah man, and National Braai Day. Braais, now I miss home! Boerie, chiggin, smoke in the eyes!

Here, they just have them crappy chromed out gas barbeques, with hot dogs (siff pink viennas) and burger patties to cook! WTF, never heard of a steak?! Or charcoal?

We're planning to eBay ourselves a mini Weber (ironic that the Yanks manufacture the best braai ever!) to put on our stoep.

Los Angeles: live crossing

I have just been witness to the dramatic landing of the emergency landing of a passenger jet, forced to land at Los Angeles LAX airport due to its landing gear problems. Shortly after take-off, the pilots realised that the wheel at the nose of the plane had gotten stuck in a sideways position when trying to retract the landing gear.

With 139 passengers on board, they circled the airport for two hours, while planning the crash landing. They dumped fuel over the ocean, in an attempt to lighten the load, and I suppose, keep the plane from becoming one mother sized inferno should anything go wrong.

Check the vid from CNN. Even cooler, was that I was chilling at a dodgy neighbourhood bar, where everybody was glued to the screens as we witnessed this event totally live! It was flippen scary, seriously! We could've potentially witnessed a horrific disaster, if it wasn't for some fancy flyin' and a stylin' touchdown! You should have heard the applause in the bar, what a moment! Chicken pox all over!

And in other news, just as scary. Hurricane Rita was upgraded to a Cat 5 twister, the third most hectic in recorded history, with winds up to 175mph. And it's headed straight for Houston, a major city.

If you remember, I was supposed to go there originally before asking to go to Denver. We have three Safrican colleagues there, and they're a bit freaked out. The Houston office closed down today, with the Safricans being evac'd to Dallas, to bunk with our other Safrican colleagues.

So its all happening over here, just like the movies. Heard rumours Bruce Willis and Arnie the Governator were getting kitted up to come save the US (and the world) from these disasters...

Street legal wheelchair

Check this ol' man, havin' a kipp in "the car" while the wife trundled up and down the Wal-Mart aisles for diapers, dog food, prunes and other old people stuff.

No jokes, he "parked" in this spot, asleep. Or maybe he was dead. Which ever it was, it was fucking funny for me - I know I'm going to hell. He was there when I arrived, there when I left... wonder if he woke up with sunburn? And wonder if his plates and insurance are up to date.

You see TONS of wheelchair riders here it's not funny! Denver is SO handicapped-people friendly, it's scary. Street curbs have ramps, bus stops have ramps, every building has ramps, ramps have ramps... And those with automatic 'chairs drive in the street! I swear they overtake some slow drivers!

Feeling like a new man

Like I said, it's been a month since I left Safrica, it's been a month since I cut my hair.



Had to buy new clippers from Wal-Mart, my ones from SA didn't work here - voltage issues. Only paid $8, much cheaper than a barber that costs $15-$20!!!!!

Look 10 years younger...

One down, five to go

It's been exactly one month since leaving the sunny shores of SA for Denver, Colorado.

But it's been bitter-sweet. Some good, some bad, some randomness...

Week one was filled with the excitement of being in the big country, week two was the awesomeness of Chicago, week three was also Chicago, but that following weekend I was over this... got a bit depro over various things - being by myself stuck in a hotel, lost my camera and got a bit homesick. Week four I was back in Denver, thankfully my spirits back on track -some serious retail therapy doing the trick.

So another five months are on the cards... or maybe less? Or maybe more (shudder!). For now, my target is Feb 10 - work end date (and my birthday).

Alas, an email went out from the big cheese in Dallas saying that we might finish here earlier if there's no more client work. Cool, I said, more holiday time. On the other hand, a director and manager (separately) in Denver *joked* about us staying a little longer. How long? Another six months, maybe two years, maybe we get you a green card and you never leave these shores again. But they were *joking*... ha ha, funny one. Remind me to laugh.

But overall, it's been good. The amount of stuff we've seen, the travelling, the shopping. The bad? The long hours, not knowing too many people, and being out of my element a lot of the time. But it can only get better, right?

PS I got a promotion. But in SA. Here, I'm still the same old lowly no one! Still someone else's bitch!

To buy for

So after buying the G4, and getting crazy abuse from Judge and Wezzo, I swore I would upgrade to the Goose's Taylormade. And I stay true to my promises... So I went out golf shopping once again, and stumbled across this AWESOME special. To buy for me, I must...

Taylormade R5 - $299 / Taylormade R7 - $399


But not that much cheaper than SA I hear you say, save a hundred rand on the R5 and two hun'ed on the R7.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE:
Not only do I receive a pimpiddy-pimp driver, I also receive two return flights to anywhere in the USA, Mexico, Canada or the Caribbean. Not one, but TWO return flights...

So which one guys?

Denver 101: Weather

We arrived in Denver mid-August, which is the beginning of the American Fall (autumn). We were quite unprepared for the mid-90F weather (mid 30 Celcius), which is as hot as P-Town summers! Not enough shorts or t-shirts! Crap! So we basked in grilling sunshine, getting some serious browning! Denver residents brag about their 300+ days of sun a year!

Yet, the temps went from mid-90F on Sunday to 71F (about 20 Celcius) overnight. Minimum nightly temps are in the 40s (5-10 Celcius). They now tell us that Denver doesn't have an autumn, they go from Summer straight into Winter! It's already snowing in the mountains!

It's no surprise that we are both sick! FUCK!

And I need some serious Winter clothing, especially thermal jocks for the goens...



And check the weather and traffic cams around the city. That's Invesco Field, where the Broncos and Rapids are based.

Broke...

We went out the other night and dropped over a thousand Ront. Check the bill, over $10 a drink (after tax). That explains the $168.50 at the end of the night.

One kay and counting...

A THOUSAND hits.

WTF? Only one other random blog has conned so many readers into visting every day. Chump just broke 100k recently in just 8 months, and Dawg in the USA has hit a ton in just under a month. And I'm ranked No 37 apparently, out classing some REAL blogs!

Who knows where the readers have come from, I only have about two and a half friends. And it's not like they're one time visitors - the number of returning visitors, many from the States themselves, is a lot more than expected!

But to The Boyz back home who follow my random ramblings and travels, shot MY BOOOOYS!

PS It wouldn't hurt replying to an email or two - it's not like you guys have work keeping you busy!

Survivor XI

This is more anticipated than the Superbowl. Survivor Guatemala. And it starts here on Thursday on CBS. Can't wait...

This is supposed to be the most hectic-est Survivor ever. EVER! With more twists and turns than Scooby-Doo. So far, there are 16 castaways, but here's twist number one (I'm NOT letting the cat out the bag, this is the big thing they're punting), two previous survivors return! Dun dun dah!!! But who? That's the mystery...

And there are some belters. Brianna (hot name!), Brooke (she's aiiight), Danni (she's got 6 pack), and Morgan (a magician's assistant/waitress!).

I'll let you guys know as soon as the winner is announced, especially Judge and "Mervin".

USA 101: Language

Although we both speak English, us and the Americans don’t speak the same language.

You won't believe the miscommunication. Sometimes funny, but once or twice, quite life threatening. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but comms once got muddled up and we fucked up our work totally.

Unfortunately, we’ve been the ones to adapt to their language. Here some examples (you’ll probably know most of them from the movies, but they’ve made a lot of people laugh)…
- bathroom = restroom (”you wanna go bath?”)
- robot = traffic light (“you have robots that control your traffic?”)
- boot = trunk (they laugh hysterically at this one)
- petrol = gas
- tomato sauce = ketchup
- milk – cream
- muesli = granola
- jam = jelly
- jelly = jello
- cooldrink = soda/pop
- filter coffee = drip coffee
- varsity = school/college

Some instances of total non-understandability:
- half past nine – they have no clue - it’s nine-thirty
- are you winning? – “winning what?” was a response I got. Sean got “what are we playing?”
- ag - “is your throat sore?”
- DESHTROY – hehe
- matric
- bakkie (as in “Jirrie, but that’s a big bakkie”)
- surname – it’s last name
- manual car – huh?
- and they don’t seem to understand the words “keen” and “reckon”

Things they say that we have fokol idea about:
- ounces, gallons, miles, Fahrenheit etc – do Americans have to be different about everything?
- lucked out – not sure if this means to be lucky or unlucky?
- sophomore – I still have no clue what this is!
- twelve thirty one – this is not the time, but the date, December 31. The whole backwards date thing screwed us over big time: Is 5/6/05 the 5th of June or 6th of May? Much confusion on our part, makes a HUGE difference to calculations!

When greeting people:
Us: Hi, how you?
Them: Good.
{awkward silence}
Us: (I’m also okay, but thanks for asking you rude mu’fucker!)

OR

Them: Hey, how ya doin’?
Us: I’m well thanks, how are you?
{awkward silence}
Them: {blank stare, total shock} Um, uh, okay, what can I do for ya? – basically, they get quite a shock when you ask back how they’re doing.

Then they difficulty with our names, in particular, my surname, excuse me, my last name. I have to pronounce it with a nasal “Lah”, with a hard roll on the L, and then still spell it. And for Sean – it’s not Shorn, it’s Sharn (nasal influence again!).

But chick’s luuurve our accents…